Render Them Iraqis

It is very heart-warming to note that we continue to win the war against the Iraqi animals, day after day. This strategy to wage the war in slow motion is important since it keeps the citizens united and mobilized against the Islamists in general and the terrorists and the liberals in particular.

While our kill ratio of 10 to 1 is much better than the Israeli kill-ratio of 3 to 1, it still is a source of irritation, especially since Al-jazeera and other non-democratic institutions continue to show gory details of beheadings and killings along with other scenes of destruction and desolation.

We need to accelerate the process of democratization in west Asia so we can sanitize the war coverage. We know neatly packaged war will take away the disturbing images of holocaust of Iraqi civilians and children and dead US Marines from the bleeding-heart liberals and the pesky soccer-moms who are using it to spread the hate against the supreme love of our Lord for which we invaded Iraq in the first place.

While we are hard at work to instill democracy in Iraq, I think the time is ripe to take the sting out of Al-jazeera and the liberals, and develop a new profit stream to boot. Of course, I am talking about allowing the wartime-corporations to set up rendering plants in Iraq. I think the need is urgent and the profits are a-wasting!

An unnamed rendering industry representative under oath to Congressional Ways and Means Committee stated that it is standard procedure in the civilized world to render the dead, diseased, and other discarded body parts of cows, pigs, cats, dogs, and road-kills into animal feed for ruminants and other animals. [See, for example, http://www.purehealthsystems.com/render.html, http://www.mad-cow.org/~tom/render_ed.html, or http://www.animalsvoice.com/PAGES/archive/food.html] In a lighter moment during the testemony he said, "This approach to sanitize the war using rendering has the ring of Jesuit tit for tat: the ruminats have given us mad cow disease, the Iraqi rendering plants will provide us the opportunity to infect ruminants with human diseases." He added, “the rendering of the Iraqis will not present any technical challenge as their flesh is generally less stringy than the other animals.”

Senators John Paul Johannesburg (R) and Jonathan Swift (D), in a bi-partisan effort, are supporting a $6.8 Billion appropriation bill to field two rendering plants and 300 armored vehicles especially designed to collect the unsightly flesh and bones for rendering. “Operating in concert,” they said in a joint statement, “the armored vehicles can sanitize the area after military cleanup operations by collecting the dead and the dying Iraqis for the rendering plants, leaving little behind for Al-jazeera to feed on. Furthermore, we can save hundreds of millions for the tax-payers by feeding the rendered products back to the Iraqi cannibals.”

House Leader Tom DuLait, a staunch supporter of the rendering bill said, “It is high time the pentagon did something innovative to reduce the tax burden on common Americans. The [Pentagon] should implement a standard policy of war that includes rendering of evil combatants and the use of rendered products as food, and employ the strategy in a year or two when we have to go to war in Iran for the glory of our Savior.”

Amen.